I read an article the other day that claims that in order to foster a meaningful relationship with their parents, children need a minimum of eight touches a day.
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These touches can be as simple as a pat on the back or a quick hug. I told my husband about the article and we, of course, laughed about it, and it has now become a running joke in our house. For example, our oldest is constantly touching me, literally, the touching never ends. How do I score this? Does this count as one really long touch? Can I count it as many successive touches? I really need to know the answer here. If she doesn’t get her eight full touches a day, she might turn into a sociopath or something. Parenting experts, please advise. She also asks me at least a thousand perplexing questions each day. This has to count as something. At least when I answer? Maybe a five questions answered = one touch rule?
The younger two now run circles around me all day counting their touches. In fact, it’s worse than running circles around me. They roller blade around the house ALL DAY and slam into me to stop themselves while asking for their touches. It’s not good. It is now a knockdown, drag-out competition. “How many times have you been touched?” “Only five? Well, I have seven, so they love me more.” “Mommy, can I have my thirteenth touch? I am not doing well today, so I need extra touches.” FYI, the article claims that if your child is going through a tough time, you should aim for twelve touches per day. Our youngest child was born going through a tough time. Should I shoot for fifteen? Is there a magic number of touches to cut down on her screaming? There should be one of those emoji scales to help decipher just how tough the time really is for each child and how many touches are required to carry them through to sanity.
I do think our youngest is now going for the Guinness World Record for the number of times touched by a parent in one day. I think we are up to 48 already, and it is only 2:00PM. My hands are blistered. I can’t go on like this.
The article also claims that parents should have at least one meaningful conversation with each child per day, and focus on the nine most important minutes in a child’s day, the three minutes when they first wake up (no thanks), the three minutes when they first get home from school (the worst), and the three minutes just before they go to bed (ah, sweet bliss). I’m confused by the nine most important minutes of the day. These nine minutes of the day are the same for all three of my children, all competing for my attention and now my touches too. Can these conversations take place in a group setting? Maybe bring in a Smart Board? This might be more than I can handle alone. Maybe I could look into polygamy? Perhaps, I need some sister wives. Try having a meaningful conversation with a five year old who never stops screaming. What could we even talk about?
You see, I read this article thinking it was funny, but I am no longer amused. I’m all touched out. Something inside me is telling me that it is time to put a stop to the eight touches a day challenge, but another part of me is worried that the children might end up in therapy. Maybe I need therapy. If only my therapist would return my calls. Seriously, don’t try this at home.