As I prepare for the end of the year, and begin the process of self-evaluation for my “job-job”, I realized that any self-respecting Snack Mom should do the same. How could we even begin to learn, grow, and ultimately attain the highly coveted prize of “Mom of the Year”, if we don’t self-evaluate to further develop our weaknesses and capitalize on our strengths? While teaching is my “job-job”, if we are being honest, being Snack Mom should always be my most important job, because how will the children have access to tasty, yet nutritious morsels of goodness to fuel the dandelion picking on the soccer field??
Drum roll, please… I give you:
Snack Mom’s Annual Review
Please rate each category with BE, below expectations, ME, meets expectations, or EE, exceeds expectations. Please explain and provide examples to justify your rating.
- Healthy, allergen free post game snacks – BE
Well, this is certainly Snack Mom’s most important role. Forget about feeding yourselves, fellow Snack Mommers, it is crucial that other people’s children receive from you the most nutritious and delicious snack, even at 8 am. You may be thinking that you will simply swing into the Crackme and pick up some individual bags of potato chips to hand out to the little tee-ball stars, but did you even read the nutritional label? Oh and don’t forget little Magnolia-Frisee (yes, that’s her full name and don’t even think about shortening it) is allergic to eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, and wheat, and little Johannesburg’s mom won’t let him have any high fructose corn syrup. She says it makes him gassy. So that leaves?? You’re right, it leaves nothing, air or ice cubes. This is when Snack Mom gives up and sends in Goldfish again.
- Snarky sideline commentary at athletic events – BE
The true Snack Moms must pretend to be experts and to know more than the coaches. Coaches must be ridiculed and criticized if little Nietzsche doesn’t get enough playing time or, God forbid, doesn’t make the travel team by age 6. This either means you are failing as a parent or the coach is incompetent, and of course we know where the blame must lie. When the coach continues to give weak ass instruction, it is necessary for a true, warrior Snack Mom to take to the field herself and make the calls. The D1 scouts might be watching and you wouldn’t want to take any chances. This Snack Mom, however, prefers to remain seated and often not focused on the action on the field. In fact, the middle snack child was literally being rescued by a lifeguard at the YMCA while Snack Mom unknowingly continued scrolling through Instagram. Good news: Snack Mom’s new soccer chair came with both a cup holder AND a small cooler, so priorities, people.
- Child involved in so many activities that child never sleeps but is an expert in all fields – ME
Snack Mom deserves credit where credit is due. Currently the children are each involved in separate sports, and let’s not forget piano lessons, science Olympiad, choir, and the play. I haven’t spoken to “Lack of” Snack Dad (haha, funny) in a few weeks, but at least the children are well-rounded, and on track for acceptance at Princeton. To fully exceed expectations in this category, the children should be learning Mandarin Chinese and meeting with an SAT tutor by the age of 6. We just aren’t there yet, but I must have goals for next year, right? Also, the tiny Snack Children do have a very strict bedtime, and activities have been sacrificed to ensure a good night’s rest. I know. It’s like I’m not even trying.
- Cleanliness of Children – BE
Think the finest shampoos from France. Think Lilly Pulitzer dresses for every occasion. Think freshly bathed and coiffed every morning. Think only the finest designer shoes from Nordstrom and brand new North Face coats for all children, even Kumquat, the baby who really doesn’t need a ski jacket, but hey it’s really cute, right? Snack Mom totally fails in this category. We are lucky to leave the house with brushed hair and brushed teeth. The baths only happen once or twice a week in recent months, and the middle child told me recently she had the same pair of underwear on for a full week, and she was proud of it. The Snack Children most often wear hand me down clothing and pick out their outfits most days, fully displaying a quirky fashion sense.
- Snack Punctuality – EE
This is where Snack Mom’s OCD comes in handy. I am always awkwardly early and so are the processed cheese-laden snacks. More often than not, I am so awkwardly early, I drive around the block a few times to cut down on the awkwardness. Snack Mom would never keep sweet little Andromeda waiting for her third snack of the day. Nope, don’t worry.
- Snack Mom’s attire and appearance – ME
Well, this depends on the day. My preferred uniform would be my running clothes, but sometimes I manage jeans and a t-shirt. Sometimes I brush my hair. Sometimes I don’t. I see you moms with your Louis Vuitton purses, or shall we call them totes, and your Tory Burch shoes. Your hair has been freshly blown out at the salon and your lipstick doesn’t fade. I applaud you. I really do, but Snack Mom ain’t got time for that. Nor do I care enough. As long as the little Snack Children have their delicious processed snacks and their high fructose corn syrup laden juice boxes on time, who cares what Snack Mom looks like. Let’s be honest.
Overall Rating – ME
Snack Mom has a lot to work on for next year.