This is a follow-up to my “Favorite Things” post. This is what I call fair balance in reporting. For your reading pleasure, I had to limit these to only ten pet peeves. I asked my mom and my husband to help me make my original list and it turns out I have many pet peeves. One of my most frequently uttered phrases is “Ew, that’s so annoying.” Well, here you go. Enjoy!
- Loud breathing/loud chewing – Why oh why can’t you just take a Sudafed? Is it because they require you to sign over your first-born child to get the goods? You feel that you must awkwardly admit that you are a Chemistry teacher when you are getting grilled trying to purchase it? All kidding aside, loud breathing makes Snack Mom go INSANE in the membrane! Not to mention, I do not need to hear you eating. Close your mouth! Choose quieter food! Eat alone! I think both the breathing and the chewing go hand in hand and an ENT can help.
- Tags in shirts – Why is this even a thing anymore? These are made to feel like tiny machetes piercing through the soft tissue, drawing blood, and possibly carrying MRSA. A printed tag or a tear tag is so much more accommodating to my OCD needs. Does anyone know how to cut out a tag without making it worse? It’s not possible, and then the tag is all I can think about for the rest of the day. Never again!!
- Items lost in the house – The husband reminded me of this pet peeve. This exists as a major pet peeve because I seem to be solely responsible for locating said lost items. The worst lost items are the items that are necessary for any child to go to sleep. They only seem to be lost at bedtime. “Keep your loveys in your bed”, Snack Mom implores, but NOOOO, they must go to school or hang out in the dark, mysterious crevices of the basement. Oh, and don’t get me started on the school shoes. Where the hell do they go??!!
- Large group socialization – This is a biggie. Snack Mom has social anxiety. That’s no secret. I prefer being alone on my couch with a book. Small talk is the worst. Any event that has “social” in the title just isn’t going to work.
- Leaf blowers – What happened to rakes? Nice and quiet. The neighbors don’t care if you are raking at 5AM. Have at it, but who says you need to blow your leaves around before the sun comes up. Seriously, there should be socially accepted times for leaf blowing, like 10AM to 2PM. This was especially the worst when the little Snack Children were babies. When that sound started up right at naptime, the thoughts that went through my head should have been illegal. I do remember shouting out the front door that I was about to shove a leaf blower into a certain part of a landscaper’s anatomy. Not pretty.
- Adults acting like cool kids – Oh dear God, where do I even begin? Did you not get enough of this in high school? I spent a good portion of my teen years trying to be normal, but I wasn’t. I was weird, and as an adult, I prefer to surround myself with the quirky ones. Put your hand up if you’re not afraid to let your freak flag fly. That’s right. These are my people. We’re here. We’re uncomfortable and we just want to go home.
- People who steal my parking spot – This is an unspoken rule in the city, particularly the residential areas. You don’t park in front of someone’s house for a long period of time. I understand the people of Stepford just don’t know what it means not to have a double driveway and a two-car garage, but we city dwellers park on the street. It adds to our grit and no-nonsense personalities. I’ve got three kids to get in and out of the house everyday. Find another spot or you will get a snarky, passive aggressive note on your windshield. You have been warned.
- Annoying health food fads – Think kale and quinoa, gluten-free, not including those who have an actual allergy or Celiac’s Disease. This creeps into the role of Snack Mom often. When I am told to be Snack Mom, and the job comes with a list of food rules, guess what I do? I ignore it. If you have a list of snack rules for your child, kindly provide the snack. Snack Mom brings donuts or cookies or chips, and she doesn’t read the nutritional information. Be warned. Sliced cucumbers as an after soccer game snack? No thanks.
- Group texts – Sometimes these are necessary. I get that. Sometimes I send them (only when absolutely necessary). For the love of God, control the responding and limit the sidebar conversations. Take that s&*t to a one-on-one text. Snack Mom ain’t got time for that.
- People who are ALWAYS late – Look, can you just get your act together? Ever heard of Lombardy-time? I have three young children and a full time job, and am always at least 10 minutes early no matter the circumstances. Lateness is a sign of weakness. Period.