Month: March 2018

When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad….

I’m not Oprah, so I can’t start throwing things out to my audience, but…

These are a few of Snack Mom’s favorite things:

1. Jelly Belly jellybeans – Snack Mom loves snacks, the more sugar the better. I tried to give up sugar for 30 days a few months ago, and I barely lasted 30 hours. I was irritable and angry, tired and sluggish. Jelly Bellies brought me back to life. So many delicious flavors!! My favorites are buttered popcorn, strawberry jam, and blackberry! Yummo to my tummo!
2. Big Kat Kit Kats – Mmmmm, sugar. When I think of the Big Kats, I think of double stuffed Oreos. Why would you even go back to the original, like regular stuffed or the small Kat? That’s just dumb. When I need to eat my feelings, my feelings look and taste a lot like the Big Kat, so deliciously crispy and chocolatey! Snack Mom approves!
3. Nike running gear – I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping for a Nike sponsorship one day. I even try tweeting insults at Nike competitors, but it hasn’t worked yet. My favorites from Nike are the thermal quarter zips like this: https://www.nike.com/t/therma-sphere-element-womens-long-sleeve-running-half-zip-top-8w0bAz , Air Zoom Terra Kiger trail running shoes, https://www.nike.com/t/air-zoom-terra-kiger-4-womens-running-shoe-KW0qYr/880564-401, and running shorts like these: https://www.nike.com/t/modern-tempo-womens-3-printed-running-shorts-OnE2pA
4. Long walks on the beach… alone – Well, this is a given. No romance or conversation needed.
5. Starbucks vanilla lattes – Teacher + Snack Mom equals caffeine addiction. I believe I shouted the same sentiment after a recent trail race when a race sponsor was tossing bags of coffee into the crowd. As I sit here writing, the thought of Starbucks makes my heart go pitter-patter and my forehead glisten with sweat, or maybe that’s just caffeine withdrawal. Either way, I may be heading out for a latte soon.
6. Hoka One One Clifton 4 running shoes – Think lots of cushion but not a ton of support. I feel like I am running on clouds. My ankle and knee issues have all but disappeared since I transitioned to this shoe. They got me through my marathon and 5 months of training, injury free nonetheless! I just ordered my third pair. (Shhh, don’t tell the husband.) Check them out: https://www.hokaoneone.com/clifton-4.html
7. Tieks – I repeat, teacher mom here! I am on my feet the good part of 12 hours a day. I LOVE Tieks! When I hit a certain age milestone (awkwardly clears throat), I decided I would no longer wear cheap shoes. This was a life-changing decision, as well as savings account depleting. Those adorable ballet flats kept popping up in my feed on Facebook and Instagram and I knew I had to have them! Where fashion meets comfort meets modesty! And so many colors to choose from! I NEED the yellow next. I am three pairs in and truly, madly, deeply in love, love, LOVE! https://tieks.com/
8. Yellow legal pads – Why you ask? I can’t say for sure, but I am addicted to having a stash of these colorful yellow pads of paper. Something comes alive in my heart when I pull a new legal pad from my desk drawer. The possibilities are endless. My creativity soars as the blank slate awaits my deepest thoughts and my molecular geometry notes. Just the smell of a new yellow legal pad fills my heart and mind with hope and pure unadulterated joy.
9. Ticonderoga pencils – There ain’t no pencil like a Ticonderoga pencil cause a Ticonderoga don’t stop. The smooth graphite tip. The ergonomic design that so neatly fits in your hand. The eraser that never gives up on you, no matter how many times you have to use it. If you are trying to look hip, my personal favorite “rogas” are the black ones. Very sleek design. I call them the Audi of the pencil world.
10. Book of the Month Club – This is a new discovery of mine. I am an avid reader, of about three to four novels per month. When you join BOTM Club, you get to choose one of five selections for each month. I am two months in and have read two fabulous novels so far. I can’t wait to see the April selections! Check it out: https://www.bookofthemonth.com/

Please take note, nowhere on this list is any mention of Snack Mom loving being named a snack mom or having to show up and make small talk, anywhere, ever. If you are wondering what is on my current “wants list”, it’s this:

https://www.etsy.com/listing/562520038/funny-coffee-mug-funny-introvert-gift?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=introvert%20mug&ref=sr_gallery-2-4

 

I read an article the other day that claims that in order to foster a meaningful relationship with their parents, children need a minimum of eight touches a day.

Mini-Podcast: Three Unbelievably Simple Parenting Ideas (that Work!)

These touches can be as simple as a pat on the back or a quick hug. I told my husband about the article and we, of course, laughed about it, and it has now become a running joke in our house. For example, our oldest is constantly touching me, literally, the touching never ends. How do I score this? Does this count as one really long touch? Can I count it as many successive touches? I really need to know the answer here. If she doesn’t get her eight full touches a day, she might turn into a sociopath or something. Parenting experts, please advise. She also asks me at least a thousand perplexing questions each day. This has to count as something. At least when I answer? Maybe a five questions answered = one touch rule?

The younger two now run circles around me all day counting their touches. In fact, it’s worse than running circles around me. They roller blade around the house ALL DAY and slam into me to stop themselves while asking for their touches. It’s not good. It is now a knockdown, drag-out competition. “How many times have you been touched?” “Only five? Well, I have seven, so they love me more.” “Mommy, can I have my thirteenth touch? I am not doing well today, so I need extra touches.” FYI, the article claims that if your child is going through a tough time, you should aim for twelve touches per day. Our youngest child was born going through a tough time. Should I shoot for fifteen? Is there a magic number of touches to cut down on her screaming? There should be one of those emoji scales to help decipher just how tough the time really is for each child and how many touches are required to carry them through to sanity.

I do think our youngest is now going for the Guinness World Record for the number of times touched by a parent in one day. I think we are up to 48 already, and it is only 2:00PM. My hands are blistered. I can’t go on like this.

The article also claims that parents should have at least one meaningful conversation with each child per day, and focus on the nine most important minutes in a child’s day, the three minutes when they first wake up (no thanks), the three minutes when they first get home from school (the worst), and the three minutes just before they go to bed (ah, sweet bliss). I’m confused by the nine most important minutes of the day. These nine minutes of the day are the same for all three of my children, all competing for my attention and now my touches too. Can these conversations take place in a group setting? Maybe bring in a Smart Board? This might be more than I can handle alone. Maybe I could look into polygamy? Perhaps, I need some sister wives. Try having a meaningful conversation with a five year old who never stops screaming. What could we even talk about?

You see, I read this article thinking it was funny, but I am no longer amused. I’m all touched out. Something inside me is telling me that it is time to put a stop to the eight touches a day challenge, but another part of me is worried that the children might end up in therapy. Maybe I need therapy. If only my therapist would return my calls. Seriously, don’t try this at home.